There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Same Life, Different Year It's a funny thing when you realize that you are finally an adult, and you have stopped relying on your parents. My father has once again let me down. It doesn't surprise me really, it only hurts. It's a minor thing to most people, the details surrounding this latest example of my fathers inevitable selfishness. However, to me, it is just yet another instance of how low I actually rank on his list of priorities. As rarely as I ask him to do anything for me, you'd think he could take care of this one thing for me. Alas, he could not. I am so tired of people sticking up for him. I loved this man when no one else could. Time after time, I have been the one person that was always on his side, and I never abadoned him. Even when he deserved it, I was there for my dad. A lot of people would have walked away...many did. But I always thought that if I loved my father enough for the both of us, maybe somehow we would end up having a good relationship. I held those adolescent idealisms of many young girls that my daddy was perfect and he loved me best. I was wrong, very wrong. As I have said many times before, on the outside, it looks like I have everything. I have my own house, a new car, a bill-free existence. No one on the outside realizes all the strings that come attached to my life. The strings that tie me to him through the guilt he uses. The strings that mean that he uses money as a way to pay me off so that he doesn't have to be involved or deal. The strings that replace him ever acting like I am important or matter to him. My father has never been an abusive man to me. I can't pretend that he has ever hit me or put me down or even ever scared me. However, my dad has been emotionally unavailable to me for as long as I can remember. I am an adult now. I have tried for the past three years to make this relaitonship work. I have fought to maintain the family that I was given. I have tried to make myself believe that I could accept this and that I should be thankful for it. I can't keep doing this to myself. It's only destructive, and I don't think I realized until today just how deep that has run. I snapped. I've never really done it to that degree before. It was at the wrong person, but she made the dire of mistake of trying to stick up for him when I told her not to. I gave her a fair warning. Like I said, to everyone else, it seems like it's not that big of a deal life. The difference? This is my life, and I have to live it every single second of every single day. And sometimes I go to sleep not sure if anyone loves me. Logically, I know that I am loved. But my heart doesn't quite connect to my mind on the concept. And with my dad, it never does. I never really feel like my dad loves me. He gives me things so that he comes off looking good to other people. He never says that he is proud of me, but he tells others of my accomplishments. I used to think that it was because he was proud of me. Now, I think it is so he can tell other people what I have done to make himself look like a great father. He has been anything but...Sometimes, I feel like he has tried. Others, I know that he hasn't. I really want to love my father for who he is, but I deserve better than this. I may never get it, but I will not accept it. I owe it to myself--to the child within and the adult seen by the world--to fight for what is right for me. Let's just hope that it doesn't bite me in the ace as I suspect it will. Happy flippin' New Year. We'll leave them in the past, making sense ain't easy. We're tired of being let down. We're tired of thinking too much alone. Let's fit into something else we haven't yet outgrown. ("Simple Needs" - Falling Sickness) 11:18 AM - 01.01.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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