There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adventures in Romance And so she told him how she felt. She knew better when she did it because she knew that feelings like this could never be reciprocated. Yet, she knew that she couldn't carry the feelings with her forever. No feelings should ever go unfelt, unknown, undiscovered. She let her guard down despite her own knowledge that she was bound to get hurt. In the end, she is still alone and still hurting. She wonders when the hurting will end. Her pain is so minor compared to that of others, but that same pain is still her own. And it still hurts her to the very core. So, she starts to read a book about Christian dating that a friend sent her as a belated birthday gift. Already slightly worn, she wonders if others have read this book before her. As she divulges into the book, she reads about all the things that she has done in relationships. Some scenarios are so much like her that she has to wonder if the book wasn't written about her. Knowing that it wasn't, she realizes the decisions she has made may have "cheapened" the love that she will ultimately find in marriage. Then, she starts to know that this too is wrong. The love that she shared with another was a great love, and no book could ever make her doubt that. Still, she knows that she has had relationships for the sake of not being alone. She knows that she has hurt people before by letting herself get too close to them before realizing that it was never there in the first place. She knows that she has to change her pattern. So, she takes the first small step in doing that. She tells him that she understands that he doesn't feel the same. She gets it now, and she accepts it. While her heart wishes that it could be different, her mind knows that it is not. Therefore, she must step forward alone. Rather than searching for someone else, she is searching for herself. In all the relationships she has had, she is the one thing that has remained constant. Now she knows that she has taken a small step in breaking that pattern. From now on, she hopes to find herself connecting to others through her faith. She is changing the way that she lives her life, starting with today. It's amazing how much truth she found in just half of a paperback book that she would have never read if it were not for her friend. She reads each word, anticipating the next, knowing that something inside her has clicked. She thought things would change by the end of February, but she had no idea how. Now she knows that it was in a way that she never could have forseen, never could have expected. And she couldn't be happier that God has blessed her with this path. Before she can have that forever type of love, she has to find that in her faith and in herself. Thankfully, she is on the right path. Walk on. Monday found me on my knees again, breathing you in, to blur the lines that mark where I begin and where you end. No use in trying to pretend. Come take me again cause rumor has it I'm not who I've been. Come define me. ("I Turn Everything Over" - Switchfoot) 7:48 AM - 01.21.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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