There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being Sick I am sick again. I had another relapse last week. For weeks, I had found myself becoming more tired more often. The irritability had returned with full force. And then that mind-numbing, dull pain returned. In the familiar spot, the spasms returned. Then, within the past week, the pain became overwhelming. It's so much at times that I can't see straight. But the pain, I can deal with. It's not like I am dying. Instead, it is simply something that just is, and you simply just don't feel it once you reach a certain point. The part that I hate is the way it makes me feel. I get so scared everytime I get sick like this. I know that eventually, this could consume my life. It's not a fear that I share with anyone else. Instead, I fight like hell to push everyone away. I want to hurt everyone so that they don't care about me. This all makes me want to not let them see how I am when I get this way. I don't want them to see me at my worst. It's foolish, I know. I only end up hurting everyone around me. And moreover, I end up hurting myself. I just go into that self-preservation mode. And I have hurt you more than you deserved. Sure, you hurt me some, but what I did to you was so much worse. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. And I love you still. 1:06 AM - 10.06.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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