There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fighting Only to Lose Something, like it always does, led me to the water today. I found myself driving to the lake, not knowing where I was going but knowing exactly my destination. I felt the need to just be alone in the only place where I can seem to get my head on straight. When I finally felt my feet land on the familiar wooden planks of the old dock, I knew that everything would soon be okay once again. I stared for over an hour at the water, letting the thoughts roam freely through my mind and stopping periodically to sing a few bars of a song outloud. By the time I left the docks, my mind was once again at peace with the world. I ran into him today at the place where I know that I have a semi-decent chance of running into him at. I didn't even think about seeing him there today, I just knew that I needed to go. And when I did, it was harder than I ever thought it would be. A panic was set off inside of me, and I didn't know what to do. I only knew to run, and I was so scared. I wanted to get out of there, away from him, as fast as I could. And I tried to slip past him at the door, but he saw me. I barely acknowledged him, although I wanted to do so much more. It hurts, this distance that I have forced myself to create. I am scared of how he makes me feel. This fear is not a normal type of fear, and it makes absolutely no sense when you get to the root of it. I have told him things that I should have never said. I have revealed my emotions to him when I should have known better. And when I see him, I am forced to confront that. I hate realizing that he knows me better than I ever intended. I didn't want to let him in, but he made me feel like it was alright. It is an inner conflict every time I see him that causes that inevitable panic that I described. I just know that I have to be cold and hard to push him away because he might see through it all and really get to me. I don't want that to happen, it simply cannot occur. I am so tired of fighting him when I don't really know what I am fighting for. In the end, all I really want is him. This makes absolutely no freaking sense. Dammit. What am I fighting for? If I win, I lose my life. I need you more and more to break my will tonight. ("Only Love" - Sophie B. Hawkins) 10:25 PM - 08.10.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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