There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Official Lasts and New Beginnings For the past few weeks, I have been pondering the end of this part of my life. Everything is ending, in many ways, today. It is the last “official” day of class—I am done with college with the exception of a presentation next Wednesday. And all I have to do is show up and click a mouse while two other people present, so that doesn’t really count. Yesterday was my “official” last day of work at the bank. Those two weeks went so fast, I can hardly believe it. Today, they are having a little party for me. I have gotten flowers already twice from different people in the office, it’s so sweet. I am sad. I really will miss Ren and a few of the others. It’s not like I won’t see them, but I am not naïve enough to believe that it will be the same. It won’t, it can’t. Nothing can be. And I am still trying to find the right job for my post-college life. I have turned two down because they just weren’t right. I am not taking another job that I am not in love with. I am actually in a position to sort of choose what I want to do, and I need to take advantage of that while I can. It’s not always going to be like this. Eventually, I will have other people to worry about, and my needs will become secondary. For now, I am looking for a job where I can write and live closer to the city. This entire time, that has been my dream. I know that the right job is out there, just waiting for me to find it. I just keep talking to Am about it, and she reminds me that I just need to turn it all over. So, I pray about it, and I find some sort of solace. That’s nice. I have not elaborated on the announcement of the baby since I made a brief mention of it. I have been letting the concept percolate for the past week, and it is a good thing. A very good thing! I am going to be an aunt. On the most part, people have been accepting and supportive. If they aren’t, well, they don’t love him like they should and their opinion is really a moot point. I must admit, I am glad right now that it is him and not me. I can’t imagine me being a mother right now. As much as I want to have kids, I am not there quite yet. For the first time in quite awhile, I am happy with my life. Only love eludes me at this point, and I confess that I do wish for that right now. I think, until it finds me in its final form, I will always want love again. Hmmm, even I have to roll my eyes at that. When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend. Get coffee and the paper, have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection. (“Lua” – Bright Eyes) 10:54 AM - 04.29.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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