There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Universal Revealings It seems like everyone around me has baby fever, causing me to wonder just exactly when the maternal side of me kicked in. Last night, I was pushing Maddy in the swing, and I again fell in love with the idea of being a mother. Motherhood scared me for the longest time because I was never really a "kid person." I was always the one looking through a magazine at a baby shower rather than cooing over possible baby names. And after the birth, I'm the one who offers to carry the diaper bag rather than the child. But, lately, that has been changing. Seeing my family with the new babies that have came into our lives over the past two years has really ignited something within me that I never knew I had. Last night, my grandfather and I were drinking coffee at the table in the midst of the chaos. My uncle walked by with his two-month-old grandson, and my grandpa asked me if I was ready for it. I know that he wants me to be a mother. We have a very special bond, and I think that he may just get me more than anyone else. This quiet, mumbling man who is very much the exact opposite of his granddaughter comprehends my soul. And he was the first person other than my mother to even recognize that I will make a good mom someday. And this sentiment was only reiterated in our conversation last night. The only problem with this whole scenario is the apparent lack of a father in the little happy family. I could make the money situation work once I graduate in May. But this other missing father thing is simply not workable. When I commented on this, he simply said that it was coming. And I figure, it has to be eventually. And lately, I have been thinking about the situation I made to end something and wondering if I am supposed to not give up on it quite yet. I know that it is not outside the realm of possibility. Our lives have been too in sync lately for it to not be some sort of a sign. I see a mirrored image sometimes. And when I heard a random name at a store yesterday afternoon over a speaker, I had to wonder if that was not the universe's way of again revealing him to me. It happened the night before when his family was randomly mentioned in a conversation with my family. We both lost someone this week. I don't know, for two people who have tried to disconnect, we are still intertwined. I hate it sometimes because it hurts me. I wonder why I am still holding onto him after all this. And I have recently come to realize that he is the first person to every utter the visible difference between who I am on the outside and who I am on the inside when you really get to know me. Knowing how hard it is for someone to do, I know that he is right. I am the badass on the outside, always ready to come off strong or shooting off a sarcastic comeback or trying hard to make someone laugh or proud. On the inside, their is a scared kid who is still afraid that she is going to be left alone. And somewhere in between is the optimist who knows it's going to be all right. He has seen that; he knows all the parts of me I have worked so hard to hide. It makes me mad as hell, but it also makes my butterflies flutter in my stomach. It's a cruel, cruel paradox. I love how this entry started to be about something entirely different from what it ended up to be. I think that is a true reflection of my thought process, how a simple turn off of the main path can lead you to all these little side adventures that end up leading you to the same place. However, you have much better stories and beautiful memories in the end. Maybe all of this is just a little side trail that is going to, in the end, lead us back to where we always knew we could be. Life's like a road that you travel on when there's one day here and the next day gone. Somethimes you bend and sometimes you stand. Sometimes you turn your head to the wind...Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long. ("Life is a Highway" - Tom Cochrane) 11:35 AM - 08.02.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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