There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reversed Roles Today, I remember another time in high school when I had just started dating J. I had went with a friend of mine (who I no longer know) to a football game to see him. I told my dad that I was going to the game, so I didn't break the rules there. However, I had voluntarily neglected to mention that another guy was going to bring me home. My dad knew and still liked J at that point, but he did not like J's friend. In the end, I had confessed what I did because I knew that he would be even more angry and disappointed if I lied. I still got grounded. It was the one and only time I ever got grounded. Looking back, I deserved it. However, at the time, I thought it was totally unfair. I couldn't see J for two weeks outside of school, and I thought that I was going to die if I didn't see him more. My only punishment was that I couldn't go out, but at 15, that was pure hell. Besides, I was going through my "get me the hell away from my family" angst phase. This memory was invoked by an entry of a fellow Diarylander. It made me go back and look at my past. Now I know that that was not such a big deal. It's funny how as we grow older, we value the time that we get to spend with our family and the time we get to spend alone. It seems like I am always with Ethan. He's so clingy. And I like the kid in some way, but I just want to be alone sometimes. Now I value that time like crazy. I almost wish that someone would come along and ground me for a week so I could totally divulge in that alone time. There has to be a happy medium here. When we weren't together, I was lonely. And now that we are, I feel suffocated. I wish that I could find a way for us to balance all this out because it seems like we will never find a place where we are both happy. He wants to spend all of his time with me. He never sees his friends or even his family much. And I like to spend some time with him, but I need space. I am the man in this relationship, and he is the woman. How screwed up is that? You push hard, you stop my circulation. I know you really need a physical relation. We may not be a perfect combination...I need space. ("Space" - Cheap Trick) 8:10 AM - 01.14.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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