There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Simplicity Impossible It all seemed like a good idea in the beginning, when I sat down in the dark room with my cellphone in my lap. I decided that I needed to end things on my own terms, and this was the night to do it. I had finally drawn an ounce of forgotten strength from somewhere in my heart, and I decided that I would dedicate it to this cause. As of late, this is the source of all my strength drainage. Before this, it was my brother's addiction. There is always something, so I figured that I better save what I have left for whatever comes next. So, I told him everything. I told him that it had to end. It ended for me right then. Or so I thought. I guess I expected him to just let me go. I mean, there never really was too much of a defintion of what existed between us. In our friendship, I have always felt like I was the one who gave everything. It's like showing up at this really great party, only to realize that everyone else went to an even better one. I was wrong, he didn't just let me go. He asked if we could still be friends...and I had to say yes because I need his sorry ass in my life. I wish that I didn't. I used to not care about him at all other than the fact that he was a person, and I tend to care about most people. I never thought that I would start to care, but somewhere along the lines, I did. So, I told him that our friendship was based on me being weak, him trying to help, and that's it. I still feel like it's true. I don't know him at all, and he didn't try to argue that. His reponse? Hang out and get to know each other. I thought that that was what I wanted, but now I don't know. It feels like I have to work awfully hard to have a friendship with him. I am tired of working for everything all the time. We aren't even talking love...just a "simple" friendship. It has always been complicated between us. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Do I have enough energy? Questionable. Do I know what I am going to do? Of course not. But nothing is simple. Won't someone listen? I have been broken. The silence is golden. I'm safe in my own skin. ("Silence is Golden" - Garbage) 7:29 AM - 03.08.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||