There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Greatest Story I have found myself going through yet another trying time, reaching for anything that brings joy into my life. A few days ago, I said goodbye to someone that has meant a great deal to me over the years for what may have been the final time. My uncle spent a week here, and I visited him five of those seven days, taking in everything that I could. I tried to memorize every story that he told, every word that he spoke, every line on his face, every feeling that I felt when I was in his presence. I knew that it was bad, as I had the entire time. However, it never really struck me until the night before he left. As I started to leave for the night, I hugged him. He held my hand tightly and hugged me a second longer. I put on the best smile that I could and walked out of there with as much bravery as I could muster. And then, on the small journey to my car, I realized everything for the first time. Reality set in, and I realized that this is it for him. The sun is bound to set for us all, but for my uncle, it is reaching the horizon more and more each day. I am just waiting for that call in the middle of the night in which I hear those words, "The sun has set." I have had stress over things that really don't matter all that much lately, especially with boys. I realize that many of the people in our lives are merely featured players who come in, make an impact, and then leave before we realize the impact they have had on our lives. Such is the case with the boy that I have fought with and for over the passing weeks. I continue to fight because it is not in my nature to give up on something that could be really amazing if it could work itself out. However, my hope is starting to lessen as is its importance. I have bigger things in life to worry about right now, and my family has to be the top priority for the foreseeable future. My worry has to be there right now because so much is happening. I had a cousin that was brought into the world. My uncle is dying. My brother still struggles. I am fighting to repair what has been broken between my father and me. There is always something in life, but these things are what truly important to me right now. I need to show them that they are what is important right now. There is one thing I can promise to myself, however. I can promise that I will never give up on my pursuit to fall in love again in the sense of finality. I will always keep my heart open to the possibility of it all. However, it is not something that I can dedicate so much of myself to anymore because I am growing past that part of my life. I no longer believe that I need someone to define who I am. And I no longer believe that the love that I saw when I was a teenager is it. I don't believe that you can fall in love with someone if you have an ounce of doubt, and I don't think that memories are enough to sustain a love either. The love I have for those great, wonderful guys that I have loved will always be there in each relationship's own special way. I acan't seek that out anymore, I have to let it happen. I know that God will bless me with that kind of love in due time. I just think that the next time I fall in love, I want it to be forever. Today, I shared with someone the way that he has impacted my life, telling him the truth in the place that he holds in my heart. One by one, it is my goal to share that same sentiment with the people in my life. There are some that know me well--know every story, joke, line, feeling--that are the co-stars of the story that is my life. There are others who are mere players, featured for a short while in this act of my life. And there are others who are totally unaware of what they have brought to my life (such as he), and I think these are my favorite people to share this with because they are the behind-the-scenes people. Like my skeleton, they hold me up when I am about to fall apart. These are the directors with their advice, the lighting people who illuminate my world, the stylists that beautify everything that they send my way. Maybe not everyone's life is like a movie, but I really think that there is a great story behind all that is me. Maybe even Hollywood worthy. Thank you to the people in my life for putting up with me. And thank you for the time you sacrificed all on account of me. ("Intro" - Staind) 8:23 AM - 06.07.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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