There's beauty in the breakdown... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Love is Unkind I said that I would write more, so now I am. Last night, he came over after I returned home from a long day with my family. It was a really beautiful day, both outside and within my heart. I was in a great mood and actually looking forward to seeing him. The time and space gave me the much-needed break that I had felt that I needed. That was, until he came over. We were lying on my bed watching a movie and kissing a bit. Suddenly, in the middle of kissing him, I felt instantly sick to my stomach. I felt a wave of betrayal wash over me and hit me at my very core. I rolled away from Ethan and looked at him suddenly. He peered back at me with a look of worry in his eyes. That's when I told him the very thought that was on my mind. I told Ethan that something here just wasn't right. I told him that I have this horrible habit of finding myself in relationships or feeling things as a way to deal with someone else. I did that with Michael to get over Justin. I did that with Stef to fight my feelings for T. I did that with the Nerd this last time to deal with my feelings for both Jus and T. And now I am doing that with Ethan to get over T again. I told him that I couldn't hurt him and I couldn't hurt myself. I don't know if things could ever work out between me and T. Like I said before, it draws me in like a fire, and I know that I am bound to get burned. But when I feel like this, I am a glutton for punishment. The smallest things make me happy when it comes to him, and I lap it up. I need to get over this if I am ever truly going to move on. That is what I had to do with Zach and Justin. Now, I must do it here too. I can't keep going somewhere. If he wants anything, he has to come to me. Otherwise, I need to move on. Maybe we can be friends, maybe not. However, I know that feeling this way means that I can't be with anyone else. Ethan and I were never really together completely anyhow. I mean, we never had this definate status as to how our relationship was going to be. I thought that this guy would end up being everything that I had ever wanted. And a former version of myself knows that he was perfect for me. But that person is gone, and I am here now. What's perfect for me right now is the man that I see in T. The boy that talks about fish and how he wanted to be a marine biologist when he was younger. The boy who commented on dressing up and I brushed it off to seem nonchalant. The boy who uses hair gel like it's going out of style and could probably use his hair as a sharp weapon in case of an emergency. The boy who leant me his coat when I spilled coffee down my new white shirt. The boy who looks really great in a hat and even my grandmother comments on his looks. The boy who I make fun of incessantly because that's what I still stupidly do when I like someone. The boy whose clothes I notice because I care. The boy whose cologne is so strong that it makes me cough and I don't even care. The boy scout. The boy who probably has no idea how I feel and I am too damn insecure to show it. Life is so crazy, and love is unkind. You're part of me, but you don't even know it. I'm what you need, but I'm too afraid to show it. ("If I Was Your Woman" - Alicia Keys) 8:00 AM - 01.16.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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